The following discussion has
its source in a SHHH Convention ('86) workshop given by Dr. Ronald Reiter and Howard
Stone, and in an article entitled "The Three Faces of Love," by Robert J.
Trotter, which appeared in Psychology Today, September 1986. To ensure accuracy of
content, we urge you to read the article in its entirety. It is interesting, stimulating,
and with application of our experiences, very important to a hearing impaired person's
understanding of a new theory regarding love relationships.
I. Introduction
Gradually we are beginning to talk
openly about sensitive subjects, such as human sexuality. Now, SHHH wants to examine the
impact of hearing loss in the areas of sexuality and intimacy.
Although little research exists on
these subjects, Harold Rousey, resident psychiatrist at the Menninger Foundation in
Kansas, found that men with hearing loss may fear loss of potency and women may fear loss
of attractiveness. We know that hearing loss has considerable impact on our state of mind
and often affects our behavior. More specific analysis depends upon which population we
are discussing: children, adolescents, adults or aging adults. And combinations: both
parties to the union are hearing impaired; one is and one isn't; one is hearing impaired
from birth and one acquired hearing loss later; both were hearing persons at the time of
union and one lost hearing afterwards; etc. All of these circumstances create different
problems. Basically, we are discussing persons who have hearing loss after a person
acquired language (post-lingual) and, more often than not, only one person to the union
has the impairment.
Whether or not there is a hearing
impaired person in the union, the mutuality ingredient is very important, i.e., a sense
of: commitment and security; mutual goals; mutual values; and of continuous growth. The
communication ingredient in the relationship is affected (usually adversely) with the
onset of hearing loss in one of the parties involved. Changes in the ability to
communicate cased by physical impairment (as opposed to just poor communication between
persons) adds anxiety. Nothing is more harmful than anxiety. It takes our minds away from
relating to one another. It keeps us preoccupied with things that are not positively
associated with mutuality. In fact, many persons who acquire hearing loss feel here is
something wrong with them -- they are not right, not whole.
In couples where one party loses
hearing after the bond is formed, their sexual relationship can be affected the most. In
many cases, good relationships have not developed. When hearing loss occurs, it is one
more (but very important) factor in splitting the couple apart. While hearing loss hasn't
caused the problem, it makes the problem more insoluble.
Timing in relationships is very
important. Sex often depends upon the right time and the right atmosphere. A hearing
impaired person often misses or cannot understand romantic cues. Each couple develops its
own sense of mood, of energy and spontaneity. Some like each step in the process planned.
Each bond has its own sense of timing, but in the person who is hearing impaired, the
sense of timing is thrown off. Spontaneity gets lost. Something is wrong and each person
feels to blame. Seldom do they discuss it.
Anxiety, developed by the process
just described can best be alleviated by talking about the subject. It's difficult. We've
been taught to fear sex -- to avoid discussion of it. Yet when people talk about hearing
loss and their difficulties in communicating, many barriers come down, romantically as
well as sexually. Talking about it develops empathy, and understanding. It bridges the gap
between the couple. In discussing your needs, it seems best to speak from the heart not
the head. Talk about what feels good, what feels right, what is enjoyable. Discuss what
makes each person feel more secure in the relationship. When you can do that, the fact of
hearing loss may lead you to better interpersonal communication than you might have had
otherwise, since many hearing couples have very poor communication between them.
Millions of persons with hearing
loss simply do not know what is happening to them. By educating ourselves about the causes
and complications of hearing loss and by developing an assertiveness which permits
discussion of the problem, we can eventually find the meaning of "the greatest thing
you'll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return.:
Now let's look at the major
components of love.
II. A Theory of Love
Robert J. Sternberg, IBM Professor
of Psychology and Education at Yale University, has become infatuated with the study of
love. His desire to understand a topic of such importance to all of us also provides a
base from which to examine special problems of hearing impaired persons in this area.
Sternberg's analysis of love describes three major components: commitment, intimacy and
passion. When all three components are present in a relationship, you have what might be
called total love. While not an unobtainable ideal, it is possible only in very special
relationships. Obviously, a prerequisite to this type of love is good interpersonal
communication. (We'll get to that later.)
A basic question in Sternberg's
research is, "Why do so many relationships fail?" Divorce is rampant in the
United States and even among those couples who stay together, happiness is elusive. In
order to relate this to persons with hearing impairments, we must first understand the
essential components of a love relationship.
1. Commitment. Commitment is
the cognitive component. It involves knowing and perception. It can keep a marriage
together long after passion is spent and intimacy is no longer obtainable. But commitment
without one or both of the other elements, constitutes an empty marriage. Many older
persons today despair over our younger generation's seeming unwillingness at worse, and
slowness at best, to make commitments. Perhaps younger people (with evidence of parental
experience) realize that people and relationships change and that making a commitment
should go far beyond what matters to them in the short run.
Research by Sternberg and his
assistant Sandra Wright suggests what will and will not be important in the long run.
Examples: a) As a relationship develops, the willingness to change in response to each
other, and the willingness to tolerate each other's imperfections become important. When
you are young and "in love," even visible flaws are submerged while many others
may simply be overlooked or unknown. Tolerance, or lack thereof, emerges as a key factor.
b) Sharing of values, especially religious values is important. Mixed religious marriages
and intercultural marriages can cause trouble when children are born of the relationship.
"Love overcomes all," a sentiment often expressed by young couples, is put to
the test when hard decisions about children have to be made. Suddenly, something not
considered has become important and stressful to both parties. Again, in situations of
this sort, the need for effective communication can be critical.
2. Intimacy. Intimacy is the
emotional component in Sternberg's love triangle. It involves the ability to confide in
one another to express your deepest thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. It involves trust
and, beyond having shared values, the ability to express them. Not surprisingly,
Sternberg's research found that "Women are better at achieving intimacy and value it
more than men, so if women don't get the intimacy they crave in a relationship with a man,
they try to find it with another woman. They establish close friendships. They can say
things to another woman they can't say to a man." Part of that, perhaps, stems from
the societal perceptions of the role men and women play in the United States (a perception
that is changing significantly). Acceptance of each partner of the other as equals may
impact on this finding over time. Obviously, there are other physiological and
psychological differences which condition the degrees to which men and women can achieve
intimacy and, as in the case of commitment, good interpersonal communications plays an
important role. A marriage without intimacy even though commitment and passion are still
present, is likely to be unsuccessful.
3. Passion. Passion is the
motivational component of Sternberg's love theory. It is the power of receiving or being
affected by outside influences. In the case of love, it leads to physiological arousal and
the desire to be united with the loved one. Originally the word meant suffering or agony,
as of a martyr. And when passion wanes, as it usually does, both parties to the
relationship may feel that original meaning. Sternberg believes that passion is quick to
develop and quick to level off. Then, using Richard Solomon's opponent process theory of
motivation, which says that desire for a person or substance involves two opposing forces,
he notes that the negative force, the one that works against the attraction, is slow to
develop and slow to fade. When passion dies (or one party to the relationship discards the
other), the agony begins. Withdrawal symptoms occur. Depression and all its consequences
can appear. "The slow starting, slow fading negative force is still there after the
person or the substance is gone." It's like an addiction. Since this type of stress
can have significant impact on hearing impairment, another complication arises for those
having that condition.
Certainly, there is a variety of
commitment, emotion and motivation in every loving relationship and Sternberg admits that
his theory is a simplification of a very complex and usually subtle phenomenon. But it
offers us a useful springboard to help hearing impaired people understand how their
relationships can be rendered even more complex by loss of hearing. While understanding a
situation does not necessarily make us like it any better, it should enable us to cope
with it more successfully.
III. Connections Between
Sternberg's Theory and Persons Who are Hearing Impaired
Now that we have some understanding
of the components of a love relationship, let us apply them to situations where hearing
loss is present in both of the partners. (In cases where both persons are hearing
impaired, the situation may be less of a problem because of better understanding of what
each partner is experiencing -- but "it ain't necessarily so.")
1. Commitment. People,
circumstances and relationships change, but our commitments to each other do not always
take that simple fact into consideration. Consider a couple, both hearing people, who
marry and have two children. At about age 40 the female begins to lose her hearing.
Typically, it affects her in ways she may not understand (and her husband normally will
understand it even less so). As we lose our hearing, things seem to change for us, and for
those around us. Our perceptions of each other, fueled by interactions often caused by
ignorance, evolve. Communication breaks down. Isolation, a feeling of being alone -- even
in the middle of a crowd -- develops the trend towards withdrawal. Perceived rejection
sets in, accompanied by poor self-esteem. The process of socialization gradually shuts
down. Recall Sternberg's theory. The difference between how the wife in this situation
would like her husband to feel about her and how she thinks he actually feels undergoes
change. From his point of view, having a wife who, in the prime of life, begins to exhibit
uncertainty, anxiety and the development of chronic stress, on top of whatever other
problems they may have, is not what he expected when he said, "I do." He no
longer believes he is getting from his wife what he wants from her. Their marriage is in
trouble. Because of his lack of understanding of hearing loss and its complications (very
common), his behavior towards his wife changes. How we act often shapes the way we feel
and vice versa. When a negative cycle is established, the family problem becomes even more
serious. The wife, reflecting her husbands's changed attitude towards her at a time when
she desperately needs his love and understanding, perceives rejection. It goes on and on.
Hearing loss can, indeed, be a real test of love. If the couple has not yet developed
sufficient tolerance to accept each other as they are, you can imagine the problem.
A child develops hearing loss, over
time, while still in school. Parental and teacher conclusions are often way off the mark.
They think the child is not doing well in school because of laziness, inattention,
rebelliousness, etc. Even after hearing loss is diagnosed (if it is), parents may not be
willing to accept that fact. While many research psychologists believe that the love of a
parent for a child is distinguished by a high unconditional level of commitment, we have
found contrary evidence from children who are hearing impaired, especially if they were
not born with the hearing loss. Certainly there is another side of the coin where
adversity brings the parties in a relationship closer together. But the point is that
commitment is challenged. Something unexpected (and unwanted) has happened. The parents'
desire and determination to maintain a high level of commitment to the child in new and
adverse circumstances has to become more conscious.
2. Intimacy. Intimacy, the
capability of being a close friend; of expressing our innermost feelings without fear, of
sharing by communicating -- "ay, there's the rub." Hearing loss puts us on the
defensive. Too often we don't really know what is happening to us. And then there is the
fatigue.
Take a married male, still in the
work force, whose job entails frequent telephone usage and numerous group meetings during
the day. He has lost his hearing to the point where he finally accepted the need to wear a
hearing aid. That, supplemented by careful attending -- concentrated effort -- trying to
speechread as best he can, enables him to keep his job. By the time he gets home at night
he is exhausted. His physical and psyche ability to function and cope with his hearing
loss is at low ebb. He doesn't want to be bothered with family problems, sharing his
wife's experiences of the day, or going to their neighbor's cocktail party. She feels that
he is no longer the man she married. She can't talk to him anymore. "He won't
listen." Again ignorance of his condition makes the problem larger than it is. Drift
in the marriage sets in as communication breaks down. The complexity of the task of
adjustment by persons who acquire hearing loss and the effect on the people with whom they
live, has never been fully appreciated. Nevertheless, much depends upon how hearing loss
is perceived and what the response to it is. When a major life crisis is seen as a
challenge, coping is within reach. When the same life event is seen as a crushing blow,
helplessness and depression negate effective coping. Again, how we act shapes the way we
think and vice versa. Perhaps more important, how you act affects the way the other person
feels and behaves towards you. Positive vs. negative attitudes, extroverted vs.
introverted personalities, degree of maturity and character formation, all influence our
response to hearing loss. While hearing loss does not preclude the continuation or
development of intimacy it complicates the matter greatly by restricting conditions, time,
and energy needed to engage in the communication necessary for intimacy.
When hearing goes, spontaneity goes
with it. Circumstances for communication have to be arranged. A hearing impaired wife
cannot busy herself in the kitchen and listen, nor can a hearing impaired husband follow
the conversation of a person moving about constantly. Hearing people can do at least two
things at once. Hearing impaired people can usually only do one thing at a time. They
can't read and listen, work and listen, take notes and listen, etc. Instead, they must
stop everything and focus on communication. In the hustle and bustle of today's world that
is a distinct limitation.
3. Passion. Passion too is
affected by hearing loss. Take the case of the couple who historically have had sexual
intercourse in a dark room. Although the male has attempted to cope with his hearing loss
by use of a hearing aid, he takes it off at night (or even with it on, he is unable to
understand speech without seeing his partner's lips). The intimate sharing in those
circumstances which elevate the sex act to a higher level of love begins to disappear.
Something precious is missing and the quality of the marriage can suffer. Turn on the
lights, you say. But habit dies hard. They may not even think of that or for some reason
may not feel comfortable in a lighted room while making love.
Of all three components in the love
relationship, passion is the least important over time. When we fall in love, we make
ourselves vulnerable. If passion is the prime mover in the relationship, the vulnerability
is heightened since it almost never lasts. Intimacy and / or commitment are necessary
ingredients to give the relationship a chance.
Conclusions
Acquired hearing impairment may not
be the cause of problems between a couple but it adds to such problems and in some cases
provides the "last straw." While all couples need to discuss their needs with
one another, it becomes crucial in a union having one hearing impaired member. Anxiety,
enhanced by hearing impairment, becomes of overriding importance. Negative interactions,
or even lack of interaction, due to anxiety can doom the union. Hearing impaired persons
must learn that the risk to them of dialogue, in the context of a love relationship, is
far less than the risk of either dissolution of the union or the evolution of an empty
relationship.
For more information on the personal and social aspects of a hearing
loss see SHHH Information Series #151, Hearing Loss: Personal and Social
Considerations.
